Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
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Thursday 27 July 2023
Forbearance for Couples - A Difficult but Must Have Trait for Longevity
By ChatGPT
Forbearance in the context of couples refers to the act of showing patience, tolerance, and understanding towards one's partner during challenging or difficult times in the relationship. It involves refraining from reacting negatively or impulsively to certain behaviors or issues, and instead, choosing to handle them with compassion and empathy. Forbearance in a relationship is essential for maintaining harmony, resolving conflicts, and fostering a strong emotional bond between partners.
Here are some examples to illustrate forbearance in the context of couples:
Communication and Listening: Forbearance in communication means actively listening to your partner's concerns and emotions without interrupting or becoming defensive. It involves giving them the space to express themselves honestly and openly, even if their words might be difficult to hear. This allows both partners to feel heard and understood, leading to better conflict resolution and a deeper emotional connection.
Forgiving Past Mistakes: In a long-term relationship, both partners are bound to make mistakes or have regrets. Forbearance entails being forgiving and not holding grudges for past errors. Instead of dwelling on past wrongs, partners can choose to learn from the experiences and work towards a more positive future together.
Dealing with Differences: No two individuals are entirely alike, and couples often have different perspectives and preferences. Forbearance involves respecting these differences and finding compromises instead of insisting on having things one's way. It allows couples to appreciate each other's uniqueness and find common ground to build a harmonious relationship.
Support during Tough Times: Forbearance shines during difficult times, such as when one partner is going through a personal crisis or facing emotional challenges. Being there for each other and offering support, even if it means putting aside your own needs momentarily, is a display of forbearance that strengthens the bond between partners.
Resolving Conflicts: Instead of engaging in heated arguments or trying to "win" in conflicts, forbearance encourages couples to approach disagreements with a calm and understanding demeanor. Partners can actively listen to each other's viewpoints, refrain from personal attacks, and seek resolutions that benefit both parties.
Allowing Space for Growth: Forbearance in a relationship means giving each other the freedom to grow and evolve as individuals. This might involve supporting each other's personal goals, career aspirations, or hobbies, even if it means spending time apart occasionally.
By practicing forbearance, couples demonstrate maturity, emotional intelligence, and a willingness to prioritize the relationship's well-being over individual ego or pride. It creates an environment of trust, safety, and support, allowing partners to navigate the ups and downs of life together more effectively and enjoy a fulfilling, lasting relationship.Here are examples from cinema and books that illustrate forbearance in the context of couples:
Communication and Listening: Example - Movie: "The Notebook" (2004) In the film, "The Notebook," the main characters, Noah and Allie, face challenges and misunderstandings throughout their relationship. However, they demonstrate forbearance by genuinely listening to each other when they reunite years later. They communicate openly about their past, express their feelings honestly, and work through their differences with understanding and empathy.
Forgiving Past Mistakes: Example - Book: "Pride and Prejudice" by Jane Austen In "Pride and Prejudice," Elizabeth Bennet demonstrates forbearance by eventually forgiving Mr. Darcy for his initial prideful and condescending behavior. Over time, she comes to understand his true character and forgives his past mistakes, leading to a deeper connection and eventual marriage.
Dealing with Differences: Example - Movie: "Up" (2009) In the animated film "Up," Carl Fredricksen and Ellie have different dreams and aspirations. Ellie's dream was to explore Paradise Falls, while Carl's dream was to have a home with Ellie. Even though their dreams were not entirely aligned, they both showed forbearance by finding common ground and supporting each other throughout their lives, despite their differences.
Support during Tough Times: Example - Book: "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green In "The Fault in Our Stars," Hazel and Gus, two teenagers battling cancer, form a deep bond and support each other emotionally during their toughest times. They show forbearance by being there for each other, even when it's emotionally draining, and by understanding the gravity of each other's situations.
Resolving Conflicts: Example - Movie: "Before Sunrise" (1995) In "Before Sunrise," Jesse and Celine, two strangers who meet on a train, spend a night together in Vienna and engage in deep conversations. They display forbearance during their disagreements and find common ground to resolve conflicts. Their willingness to understand each other's perspectives contributes to the magic of their fleeting but intense connection.
Allowing Space for Growth: Example - Book: "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert In "Eat, Pray, Love," the author embarks on a journey of self-discovery and growth after a difficult divorce. Her journey involves forbearance in her romantic relationships as she learns to prioritize her personal growth and needs. Through her experiences, she allows space for herself and her partners to evolve and find fulfillment.
Communication and Listening: Example - Movie: "Silver Linings Playbook" (2012) In the film "Silver Linings Playbook," Pat and Tiffany both struggle with mental health issues. They show forbearance by actively listening to each other's challenges and providing a safe space for open communication. Through their conversations, they gain insight into each other's experiences and form a meaningful connection.
Forgiving Past Mistakes: Example - Book: "The Great Gatsby" by F. Scott Fitzgerald In "The Great Gatsby," Jay Gatsby deeply loves Daisy Buchanan, despite her past mistakes and questionable decisions. Gatsby demonstrates forbearance by continuing to love and pursue Daisy, even after learning about her flaws and past choices.
Dealing with Differences: Example - Movie: "Bend It Like Beckham" (2002) In "Bend It Like Beckham," Jess and Jules come from different cultural backgrounds and face opposition from their families due to their passion for soccer. They show forbearance by supporting each other's dreams and aspirations, understanding the challenges they face, and standing up against cultural norms to pursue their passions together.
Support during Tough Times: Example - Book: "The Time Traveler's Wife" by Audrey Niffenegger In "The Time Traveler's Wife," Clare and Henry's relationship is complicated by Henry's involuntary time-traveling. Clare exhibits forbearance by supporting Henry through his unpredictable time jumps and being patient with the challenges it brings to their relationship.
Resolving Conflicts: Example - Movie: "500 Days of Summer" (2009) In "500 Days of Summer," Tom and Summer have differing expectations for their relationship. They show forbearance by engaging in honest discussions about their feelings and experiences, even though it leads to conflicts and heartbreak. The film portrays the complexity of relationships and the importance of understanding each other's emotions.
Allowing Space for Growth: Example - Movie: "La La Land" (2016) In "La La Land," Mia and Sebastian are both aspiring artists pursuing their dreams. They show forbearance by giving each other the space to pursue their passions, even when it means spending time apart for the sake of their individual growth and careers.
Recovering from Betrayal: Example - TV Series: "Friends" (1994-2004) In the TV series "Friends," Ross and Rachel's on-and-off relationship faces numerous challenges, including betrayals and misunderstandings. They exhibit forbearance by working through their issues, forgiving each other's mistakes, and eventually finding a way to be together despite the difficulties.
Accepting Flaws and Imperfections: Example - Movie: "Beauty and the Beast" (1991) In "Beauty and the Beast," Belle shows forbearance by looking beyond the Beast's exterior appearance and learning to love him despite his initial harsh demeanor. She teaches him the value of compassion and understanding, leading to his transformation into a kind and loving partner.
These examples further illustrate how forbearance plays a crucial role in various relationship dynamics, highlighting its significance in fostering understanding, empathy, and resilience between partners.
Friday 9 June 2023
Never go to bed on an argument … and 19 other relationship ‘rules’ unpicked by experts
Is it wrong to flirt with other people? Do you have to agree on politics? And is it all about sex? Therapists examine the truths and myths of relationship lore - Joanna Moorhead in The Guardian
FALSE Individuals are complicated, and partners who love one another and can see there’s potential for an ongoing relationship can also see there are stumbling blocks, says Bose. Having therapy, especially quite early on in a relationship, can ensure they get across those hurdles without the relationship being damaged. On the other hand, she cautions against therapy that goes on and on. “Some couples are scared to leave – you’ve got to be able to carry on without that crutch.”
1 It’s not all about sex
TRUE “For most people, a satisfying sexual relationship is an important part of a good relationship,” says Susanna Abse, psychoanalytic therapist and author of Tell Me the Truth About Love: 13 Tales from Couple Therapy. “While sex may not be the most important thing, it’s certainly an indicator of chemistry, and it matters – especially at the start. Also, if you’re having bad sex with someone in the beginning, why would you want to carry on?”
TRUE “For most people, a satisfying sexual relationship is an important part of a good relationship,” says Susanna Abse, psychoanalytic therapist and author of Tell Me the Truth About Love: 13 Tales from Couple Therapy. “While sex may not be the most important thing, it’s certainly an indicator of chemistry, and it matters – especially at the start. Also, if you’re having bad sex with someone in the beginning, why would you want to carry on?”
2 Your partner should know what you feel/need
FALSE This is one of those saccharine myths we’ve been sold by romantic fairytales. However close you are to someone, says Joanna Harrison, divorce lawyer-turned-couples-therapist and author of Five Arguments All Couples (Need to) Have, you’ll never be able to second-guess them on everything. “And why would you want to? That would be boring. Also, people change; we’re all evolving.” What matters is that you each share what you’re feeling, you listen to one another, and you try to see things from your partner’s point of view.
FALSE This is one of those saccharine myths we’ve been sold by romantic fairytales. However close you are to someone, says Joanna Harrison, divorce lawyer-turned-couples-therapist and author of Five Arguments All Couples (Need to) Have, you’ll never be able to second-guess them on everything. “And why would you want to? That would be boring. Also, people change; we’re all evolving.” What matters is that you each share what you’re feeling, you listen to one another, and you try to see things from your partner’s point of view.
3 No relationship can survive an affair
FALSE There are many kinds of affair, and this, says Abse, is key. “An affair can be an exit strategy, sure. But it can also be a protest – a way of bringing your partner’s attention to something that isn’t working for you in the relationship. If it’s that kind of affair, and you can work through why it happened with your partner, you can move on from it – providing apologies are given, reparations are made and forgiveness is forthcoming.”
If you’re having bad sex with someone in the beginning, why would you want to carry on?
FALSE There are many kinds of affair, and this, says Abse, is key. “An affair can be an exit strategy, sure. But it can also be a protest – a way of bringing your partner’s attention to something that isn’t working for you in the relationship. If it’s that kind of affair, and you can work through why it happened with your partner, you can move on from it – providing apologies are given, reparations are made and forgiveness is forthcoming.”
If you’re having bad sex with someone in the beginning, why would you want to carry on?
4 A relationship is stronger if you share a bed
FALSE The important thing isn’t whether you share a bed – it’s talking about why if you don’t, says Harrison. “Whether it’s down to snoring or young kids, sleeping in separate beds reduces the intimate time you get together. So you need to discuss how you can compensate.” Make love on the sofa in the evening when the kids have gone to sleep. If snoring has driven you to separate rooms, at least have your morning tea in bed together.
FALSE The important thing isn’t whether you share a bed – it’s talking about why if you don’t, says Harrison. “Whether it’s down to snoring or young kids, sleeping in separate beds reduces the intimate time you get together. So you need to discuss how you can compensate.” Make love on the sofa in the evening when the kids have gone to sleep. If snoring has driven you to separate rooms, at least have your morning tea in bed together.
5 Never go to bed on an argument
FALSE So often, says Terrence Real, family therapist and author of Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, rows happen because one or both partners have been drinking, or they’re not feeling good, or it’s late and you’re both tired. “What I say is: you’re not going to resolve anything tonight. Go to bed, and the next morning have a cup of tea together and talk it through.” All relationships are about the cycle of closeness, disruption and return to closeness. “Our culture worships the harmony phase, but a good relationship thrives on surviving the mess. The work of intimacy is the collision of imperfections, and how we manage those.”
FALSE So often, says Terrence Real, family therapist and author of Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, rows happen because one or both partners have been drinking, or they’re not feeling good, or it’s late and you’re both tired. “What I say is: you’re not going to resolve anything tonight. Go to bed, and the next morning have a cup of tea together and talk it through.” All relationships are about the cycle of closeness, disruption and return to closeness. “Our culture worships the harmony phase, but a good relationship thrives on surviving the mess. The work of intimacy is the collision of imperfections, and how we manage those.”
6 It’s wrong to flirt with other people
TRUE You can be playful with someone, says Real, “but if you look into their eyes, there’s a difference between the shades being down – ‘shop closed’ – and the signal ‘come hither’. And if you’re using the sexual energy between you and someone else to feel excited, that’s like a mini-affair.” The rule is this, says Real: if your partner could hear you, and the way you’re speaking would upset them, it’s not OK.
TRUE You can be playful with someone, says Real, “but if you look into their eyes, there’s a difference between the shades being down – ‘shop closed’ – and the signal ‘come hither’. And if you’re using the sexual energy between you and someone else to feel excited, that’s like a mini-affair.” The rule is this, says Real: if your partner could hear you, and the way you’re speaking would upset them, it’s not OK.
7 People can’t change
FALSE. “I’m in the personality transplant business,” says Real. “Therapy is about understanding why we behave as we do, and making conscious decisions to change things in order to hang on to someone we care about.” Relate therapist Simone Bose, who runs her own practice, agrees that people can change, but they have to want to, and that means confronting aspects of themselves that might be uncomfortable or painful. “What’s hardest is overcoming the defensive mechanism you have as default,” she says.
FALSE. “I’m in the personality transplant business,” says Real. “Therapy is about understanding why we behave as we do, and making conscious decisions to change things in order to hang on to someone we care about.” Relate therapist Simone Bose, who runs her own practice, agrees that people can change, but they have to want to, and that means confronting aspects of themselves that might be uncomfortable or painful. “What’s hardest is overcoming the defensive mechanism you have as default,” she says.
8 Having arguments doesn’t have to be bad
TRUE If an argument escalates to violence or one partner feeling unsafe, that’s wrong, and you need expert help. But as you learn the landscape of your partner, says Harrison, arguments show you’re working each other out. “You’re finding out what your partner is passionate about, and sharing that. So these disagreements are full of useful information about what matters to each of you. If couples stop talking about what they care about, and sometimes arguing about it, they can start to feel disconnected.”
TRUE If an argument escalates to violence or one partner feeling unsafe, that’s wrong, and you need expert help. But as you learn the landscape of your partner, says Harrison, arguments show you’re working each other out. “You’re finding out what your partner is passionate about, and sharing that. So these disagreements are full of useful information about what matters to each of you. If couples stop talking about what they care about, and sometimes arguing about it, they can start to feel disconnected.”
9 The ‘one’ is out there somewhere
FALSE “This is demonstrably nonsense: you only have to look at the people who find love again after losing their partner,” says Real. “We tend to fall in love with a person who we subliminally believe is going to heal us, give us what we didn’t get in our early life. Relationships tend to replay situations we’ve been in before. We fall in love with what completes us, in other words. And it’s this feeling – that we ‘fit together’ – that makes us feel we’ve found ‘the one’.” A successful relationship comes down to rewriting the script, so you’re not playing out things that went wrong in the past.
FALSE “This is demonstrably nonsense: you only have to look at the people who find love again after losing their partner,” says Real. “We tend to fall in love with a person who we subliminally believe is going to heal us, give us what we didn’t get in our early life. Relationships tend to replay situations we’ve been in before. We fall in love with what completes us, in other words. And it’s this feeling – that we ‘fit together’ – that makes us feel we’ve found ‘the one’.” A successful relationship comes down to rewriting the script, so you’re not playing out things that went wrong in the past.
10 Once a cheater, always a cheater
TRUE and FALSE What’s most interesting about cheating, says Real, isn’t why someone does it – that’s obvious (it’s exciting, it’s sexy, it’s a thrill). No: the interesting thing is why someone doesn’t do it. “Cheating is always selfish: it’s always about overriding what you should do. So if you’ve learned from it and moved on, then no, you won’t necessarily be a cheater again. But your partner might never feel 100% assured you won’t do it again. It’s important to understand that.”
TRUE and FALSE What’s most interesting about cheating, says Real, isn’t why someone does it – that’s obvious (it’s exciting, it’s sexy, it’s a thrill). No: the interesting thing is why someone doesn’t do it. “Cheating is always selfish: it’s always about overriding what you should do. So if you’ve learned from it and moved on, then no, you won’t necessarily be a cheater again. But your partner might never feel 100% assured you won’t do it again. It’s important to understand that.”
11 Marriage is just a piece of paper
FALSE “The question I’d ask a couple,” says Real, “is: who is your community? Who is supporting you, and how have you signalled you need that support, that you value it for your relationship?” Few rituals are left in modern life, he says, and a marriage ceremony is one that includes others as well as the couple themselves. “There’s something transformative about it being an experience embedded in the community,” he says. “That’s why it mattered to fight for the legal right for gay couples to marry.”
FALSE “The question I’d ask a couple,” says Real, “is: who is your community? Who is supporting you, and how have you signalled you need that support, that you value it for your relationship?” Few rituals are left in modern life, he says, and a marriage ceremony is one that includes others as well as the couple themselves. “There’s something transformative about it being an experience embedded in the community,” he says. “That’s why it mattered to fight for the legal right for gay couples to marry.”
12 If a relationship needs therapy, it’s too late
FALSE Individuals are complicated, and partners who love one another and can see there’s potential for an ongoing relationship can also see there are stumbling blocks, says Bose. Having therapy, especially quite early on in a relationship, can ensure they get across those hurdles without the relationship being damaged. On the other hand, she cautions against therapy that goes on and on. “Some couples are scared to leave – you’ve got to be able to carry on without that crutch.”
13 You should always own up if you cheat
TRUE and FALSE You should usually confess, but not always, says Abse. “If we’re talking about a one-night stand on a business trip, maybe it’s OK, and better not to share it with your partner. But if you’ve had a longer-term relationship with someone else and you never reveal it to your partner, you’re avoiding something. It’s going to leave you in a sad place because you’ll have lost that sense that you and your partner share your deepest feelings.”
TRUE and FALSE You should usually confess, but not always, says Abse. “If we’re talking about a one-night stand on a business trip, maybe it’s OK, and better not to share it with your partner. But if you’ve had a longer-term relationship with someone else and you never reveal it to your partner, you’re avoiding something. It’s going to leave you in a sad place because you’ll have lost that sense that you and your partner share your deepest feelings.”
14 You have to agree on politics
FALSE If politics matters deeply to you then yes, says Bose, you need to be aligned. But if it doesn’t, voting for different political parties probably won’t unseat your relationship to any extent. “Much more important is sharing the same values: what’s important to you, what you truly believe matters. If you don’t agree on values, it seeps into your everyday life and can affect your relationship at a very deep level.”
FALSE If politics matters deeply to you then yes, says Bose, you need to be aligned. But if it doesn’t, voting for different political parties probably won’t unseat your relationship to any extent. “Much more important is sharing the same values: what’s important to you, what you truly believe matters. If you don’t agree on values, it seeps into your everyday life and can affect your relationship at a very deep level.”
15 Relationship problems always come down to money or sex
FALSE “In fact, they always come down to one thing: communication,” says Harrison. “Money and sex are taboo subjects in many families, and we all bring our family baggage to any relationship. But the issues aren’t about these things per se, they’re about being able to talk about these things – and everything else that matters.”
FALSE “In fact, they always come down to one thing: communication,” says Harrison. “Money and sex are taboo subjects in many families, and we all bring our family baggage to any relationship. But the issues aren’t about these things per se, they’re about being able to talk about these things – and everything else that matters.”
16 It’s always obvious when a relationship is over
FALSE Even for an experienced therapist like Joanna Harrison, it’s often not clear whether a couple are going to make it through. “Individuals have different thresholds for what they can deal with in a relationship,” she says. “There are no absolutes, no moment where it has to be all over.”
FALSE Even for an experienced therapist like Joanna Harrison, it’s often not clear whether a couple are going to make it through. “Individuals have different thresholds for what they can deal with in a relationship,” she says. “There are no absolutes, no moment where it has to be all over.”
17 You need to have lots in common
FALSE In fact, says Abse, unconsciously we’re looking for someone who has attributes we’re lacking – because being with them helps us to learn different ways, and to grow our characters. “So if you’re a shy kind of person, you might find yourself attracted to someone gregarious.” It also means you can rely on the other person for those things – it’s the yin/yang thing. “A relationship is often more interesting and dynamic where there are challenges and differences.”
FALSE In fact, says Abse, unconsciously we’re looking for someone who has attributes we’re lacking – because being with them helps us to learn different ways, and to grow our characters. “So if you’re a shy kind of person, you might find yourself attracted to someone gregarious.” It also means you can rely on the other person for those things – it’s the yin/yang thing. “A relationship is often more interesting and dynamic where there are challenges and differences.”
18 You need regular date nights
FALSE It’s not date nights that matter, says Harrison, it’s time together. So you don’t have to spend money or go out or have a treat (though that might be lovely). The bit your relationship needs is time shared as a couple: snuggled together on the sofa watching TV or a walk in the park can be every bit as good as a pricey meal out.
FALSE It’s not date nights that matter, says Harrison, it’s time together. So you don’t have to spend money or go out or have a treat (though that might be lovely). The bit your relationship needs is time shared as a couple: snuggled together on the sofa watching TV or a walk in the park can be every bit as good as a pricey meal out.
19 A baby will jeopardise your relationship
TRUE It’s tempting to hope a child who shares your genes, who you created together, will bond you and keep your relationship going. But, says Abse, relationship satisfaction goes down in the early weeks, months and years after the arrival of a baby. “Having a baby changes everything – you can’t underestimate that. You lose freedom, you lose autonomy, you lose intimacy. It’s a really challenging time for a couple.”
TRUE It’s tempting to hope a child who shares your genes, who you created together, will bond you and keep your relationship going. But, says Abse, relationship satisfaction goes down in the early weeks, months and years after the arrival of a baby. “Having a baby changes everything – you can’t underestimate that. You lose freedom, you lose autonomy, you lose intimacy. It’s a really challenging time for a couple.”
20 You can have a good sex life for ever
FALSE Viagra has sold us this idea, says Abse, and sure, in theory there’s no reason why sex should ever stop. But in the real world, things are different. “I’m wary of putting pressure on older people,” she says. “The reality is, for most long-term couples, sex drops off after their 50s or 60s. Those who carry on usually shift from swinging from the chandeliers to a more gentle, slow sex that might not involve penetration. It can be very intimate, but not all couples want it.”
FALSE Viagra has sold us this idea, says Abse, and sure, in theory there’s no reason why sex should ever stop. But in the real world, things are different. “I’m wary of putting pressure on older people,” she says. “The reality is, for most long-term couples, sex drops off after their 50s or 60s. Those who carry on usually shift from swinging from the chandeliers to a more gentle, slow sex that might not involve penetration. It can be very intimate, but not all couples want it.”
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